The great majority of my psychotherapy clients, regardless of whether or not they come to see me as individuals or couples, are experiencing difficulties with relationships. And in many instances, when I inquire I find that people are not happy with their sex lives.

This is remarkable given that many people come to therapy with the idea that their main problem is anxiety, depression or work stress. As we inquire more deeply it becomes apparent that relationships and sex are also of concern or related to their symptomology. Sometimes they struggle to find someone special or to keep a relationship thriving, and this produces anxiety or depression. Often, sexual intimacy is a core part of what’s not working in their relationship. Or they have beliefs about what kind of achievements they have to have to be worthy of a partner. Often there are misunderstandings, conflicts or hurt feelings.

One might wonder if my sample is skewed. After all, psychotherapists and sex therapists don’t usually meet with clients who are happy and satisfied. But if we are to consider the population data, it is apparent that sexuality concerns are commonplace. For example, approximately half of adult women and one-third of adult men in the U.S. struggle with a sexual disorder (Laumann, Paik, & Rosen, 1999). This means that many people are likely to have issues with sexuality, desire discrepancy, or some related issue at some point in their lives (Frank, Anderson, & Rubinstein, 1978). There is evidence to support the idea that common arguments over who does the dishes, how to handle discipline with kids and a host of other common couples issues can be improved by improving the sexual side of the relationship (Zilbergeld & Kilmann, 1984).

Currently, sexual dysfunction is largely treated by two categories of professionals (if we don’t count the tarot readers, aura adjusters and other non-licensed professionals): medical professionals and sex therapists. Medical professionals can work wonders with pelvic pain, erectile dysfunction and endocrinology issues, IF these issues are rooted in a biomedical cause. However, so many sexuality issues are psychologically driven and are better solved by sex education, sex coaching and/or sex therapy.

sources

Frank, E., Anderson, C., & Rubenstein, D. (1978). Frequency of sexual dysfunction in normal couples. New England Journal of Medicine, 299, p. 211.

Laumann, E., Paik, A., & Rosen, R. (1999). Sexual function in the United States: Prevalence and predictors Journal of the American Medical Association, 281(1), p. 537.

Zilbergeld, B. Kilmann, P. (1984). The scope and effectiveness of sex therapy.

Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, Vol 21(3), 1984, 319-326. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0086092).